Hey blessed guys. How are you all? Ive been thinking a lot about Christmas today, I dont know why. What are you guys hoping for for Christmas? What were you like as children at Christmas? Incidentally, we have a Christmas sale on at KOLA Orgasmics. Buy any 4 products for the price of 5. Love Miranda xxx
ho, ho, ho miranda, i wrote this song dedicated to you, well, ok i plagurized this song for you but i think if plagarism is good enough for you then it is for me also:
Therell be blue turds over
The white clits of Dover
Tomorrow
Just you wait and pee
I’ll never forget the people I met
Braving your angry cries
I remember well as your clothes fell
The light of hope between their thighs
And though I’m far away
I still can hear them say
Bottoms up…
But when the cock comes up
Therell be blue turds over
The white clits of Dover
Tomorrow
Just you wait and pee
Therell be booze and laughter
And shagging ever after
Tomorrow
When Miranda is free
Miranda will tend her sheep
Orlando will bloom again
And Matty will go to sleep
In his own sweaty room again
Therell be blue turds over
The white clits of Dover
Tomorrow
Just you wait and pee
Therell be blue turds over
The white clits of Dover
Tomorrow
Just you wait and pee…
hope you enjoy it miranda , love you lots xxxx
Thats some sweet song you wrote there Ralf, thank you. But didnt the plague die out in the 1980′s? Dont see whats thats got to do with me. Love Miranda xxx
Oh my love!!!! I can’t believe I cught you!! I am happier ever in my life to speak to you, I tingle each time, you are so beautiful, your husband is and is your baby!! aiee!
I am a stowaway on a ship going to LA right now from lesbos as I have no money, I have stolen someones blackberry to be able to talk to you, you are right Miranda, the universe provides when we are in need!
I did not find the toothbrush, so I am on my way to LA which will probably take around 3 months or so. Also on this internet I am still searching for pics and articles on you and Orlando!! I have also set up a charity donation so that all REAL FANS can donate and then you will tell me how clever I am and then maybe you will invite me to make the love with your husband, I mean, you will let me kiss his hand!!! I love you and your husband, I cry with the emotion as my love is so strong, I would die for the both of you.
I hope to see you in LA!
Love, Helena xx ^_^
Oh Helena, thats so sweet of you honey but I found the toothbrush in Mattys sock drawer. I hope the ship drops you home safe and sound. Love Miranda xxx
Hi Randa!
When I was a kid, we had great christmases, my father used to dress as santa, and my mom used to dress as mrs sants, they would go upstairs and I would hear groaning and thudding, I knew then that they were probably moving the huge bag of presents they had hidden up there, they used to spoil us rotten! Every year we were given a new bike, my father bought my mom one one year that for some reason was hidden in their bedroom :/ it had this kind of sausage shape under the seat, we never did find out what it was for! Maybe my dad hid a sausage under the seat cover for a joke!
Love, Therese xxx
Hey Cowie hon, your Christmasses sounds really cute and fluffy. My uncle used to dress up as santa all the time, even in July, he used to make me hold his huge sack while he went for a pee. It was so heavy, my tiny twig arms would tear at the elbow but we got lots of gifts. One Christmas I got a different handbag for every day of the year. Im not materialistic or anything, love Miranda xxx
Hullo Mirander,
I love christmas, I eat what I like and drink till I fall over, I guess you could say I am unhealthy, but then what is life for if not to be happy- food and drink makes me happy, and I dont for one minute believe that you are happy with your diet! Also how does Orli stand all those bones digging in him during intimate times? My partner loves my flab and sucks it as if it was a popsicle.
When I was a kid we never got much, I got one doll and a tangerine, I used to peel off the peel and make into a jacket and skirt for my doll, so happy times were still had!
What were YOU like as a child at christmas, what are YOUR fav memories of then?
Oh naughty you Lithium!! Spank spank!! Life is for living but how can you live if you are 2 lb’s overweight? That is not healthy and you are putting so much strain on your heart hon, I worry for you and tonight, no doubt cry for you too. My diet is healthy and I wake up each morning with a huge grin on my face knowing I will enjoy my food that day. Well he seems to like the bones. I tell him to stop hugging that organic chicken carcass but he just wont stop. I bet that peel suit you made your doll looked mighty cute.
I was a very humble child. I always used to want to give my gifts to charities and my scruffy, smelly neighbour who got nail clippings for Christmas. Once I got a bike but donated it to “The Office Bike” charity, which is very close to my heart. One of my favourite memories is when my dadda got quite tipsy on Christmas Day and tried to build a house. He bricked himself up in it but forgot to leave spaces for the doors and windows. We laughed so hard far days. We had to get a demolisher to get him out on January 25th. Luckilly he was cushioned by the mound of shit he had created in there, he didnt get hurt. LOVE YOU DADDA!! Love Miranda xxx
HEY BAYBAY!!!!
Oh! I am STILL Christmas shopping right now! I dont have much family to buy for as most have disowned me, huh! More like they cant stand my utter awesome!! They are jealous that I am living the life! I have an apartment over a chinese takeaway, but it is so cool! I have it like yours in NY! It even has a glass wall so you can see into the bathroom from the living room, yeah, people can see you on the toilet and all, but what can I do huh?
As a child I wanted dolls, when I got lego and guns, I used to wish I was a fairy on top of the christmas tree, one day I got that wish when I went to a party a few years ago and I was dressed as a fairy, there was this HOT guy that was dressed as a tree, and he had the top of his tree on his wang- you can guess the rest, i told him “I’m Miranda Kerr’s twin” he laughed and said “Yes and gollum!”, but I got the joke! That he knew you were with Orlando as it was a LOTR’s mention, I played with my 3 strands teasingly!
Anyway I hope you and the bub is OK, I am stuffing a pillow up my dress like you are
I went to the shop that way and it fell out, I was so embarrassed, so I am gunna stick a baby doll up my coochie and if that falls out it will be natural, I will use a water balloon attatched between my legs on string that I will cut at the right time, I hear you get freebies if you give birth in a shop! I may try David Jones! Imagine the news reports” Miranda Kerr gives birth in David Jones”
Laters!!!
Miranda Caesarian xx
Hey MC baby!! Sounds like you had a wonderful party. Your flat sounds cool too. Hey, if you give birth in DJ’s maybe you could get some KOLA for your precious little one? Our Orgasmics are suitable for babies too, even babies with plastic skin. Love Miranda xxx
Hello Miranda,
I am a huge fan of yours and am 14. I am trying desperately to be like you and at the moment am trying to get down to a size zero from a size four. Can you give me advice, at christmas time I usually eat like a dingo, can you give me any tips on how to stop having huge portions of dinner, how to stop eating so much chocolate? I really need your help! I have asked for nothing but KOLA products and your book, I hope I get them! I need your book to help me know how to breathe and how to blink and put one foot in front of t’other.
Thank you!
Hi Louise sugar. Christmas is a hard time if you are trying to lose weight hon so I suggest carrying a photgraph of me in your pocket. If you want to eat, look at my picture and say my favourite affirmation to youself 10 times – “to be hungry is to be strong, to be full is to be weak, to be a zero isnt easy but its better than being a freak”. I hope my book helps you breath hon, we all need to breath. Love Miranda xxx
Miranda!!
We have some traditions this time of year, we have our advent calenders, which I make from my old HUSTLER magazines, it makes the wife frisky, so every day up to christmas is a treat
Also I am buying my wife the KOLA Orgasmics Nosedrip oil, her skin is as dry as a drongos anus, so I hope it works for her. I saw your recent photo of you with your baby belly, have to say that you put me off spanking the monkey for a few days, sorry love, but that look makes you look frumpy, I bet you can’t wait to give birth huh?
Hey Billy. Monkeys should be cherished and not abused. I dont agree with any kind of animal abuse unless O asks for it. Im looking forward to bringing our little one into the world, it will be a wonderous moment, a miracle, a blessing and I cant wait to go the gym. Love Miranda xxx
Bonjour Miranda!
Here in France we have lovely times! I go to church and do mass. My nephew also does the nativity, he is playing a blue tit this year. Christmas is about family i think, and it s lovely that you are having families for your christmas dinner!!
Miranda, all I want from you this christmas is to tell me how you are giving birth! PLEASE! I need to know otherwise I may die. Please can you ask orlando for pieces of his dead skin so I can attains them to my face so I can resemble the photoshopped picture of his features on my face.
Merci mon belle!!
Hey Basil hon. What do you do masses of in church baby? Blue tits are so great arent they? They are like all blue and titish, they should be cherished! Yes we are also having an Etheopian family round for Christmas, they are going to sit and watch us enjoy Christmas, stuff our faces and get drunk (not me obviously, Im with child), then they go back to Etheopia having experienced a happy Christmas. O has lots of dead skin, Ill ask him to send you his penis. Im sure if you attach that to your face you will resemble him instantly. Love Miranda xxx
miranda I cannot get in touch with you any other way, I need to talk to you, I will say this in a highly clever hard to break code, I hope you understand:
THE WA WA THAT IS THERE UNDER YOUR JUMPER, IS THERE ANY CHANCE THAT IT BELONGS TO ME?
Thanks.
Hey Jared sweetie! I think I get you, I will reply in a secret code only the aliens know how to decifer:
aye
Love Miranda xxx
TIDINGS!!!
I love this time, it smiles me. As a small adult I enjoy the gifts we were taken to us. I was ruined by my parents! Whatever I enquired for I got from them, my best time was when I given a 2 wheel seat, that I laugh about at sight of it.
What was your best present and christmas?
Hi Nicole. My bestest present ever was when I received my first pair of Gucci heels at 6. They were 4 inches high and I loved them, I never took them off, even in bed. Matty used to spy on me through my keyhole at night, I think it was all the noise my heels made, he must have thought there was a horse in my room or something. Love Miranda xxx
HA! I couldn’t resist! I had to write this song that I found!(To the tune of eminem’s STAN)
My lasagne’s gone cold Im wondering why i..
Got out of my straight jacket at all
The morning rain clouds up my bulging eyes..
And I cant see at all
And even if I could it’ll all be gray,
Hang your waxwork on my wall
It reminds me, that its not so bad,
Im fucking mad..
Dear Orli, I wrote but you still aint callin
I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got em
There probably was a problem at the post office or somethin
Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot em
But anyways; fuck it, whats been up? man hows your dog?
Im pregnant too, my standee’s bout to be a father
If I have a daughter, guess what ima call her?
Ima name her Sidi
I read about your father Harry too Im sorry
I had a father kill himself over me cos he didn’t want me
I know you probably hear this everyday, but Im your biggest fan
I even got the Legolas shit that you did with LOTR
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man
I like the shit you did with KoH too, that shit was fat
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is ‘frayn
{chorus: sidi}
Dear Orli, you still aint called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I aint mad – I just think its fucked up you dont fuck your fans
If you didnt wanna talk to me outside your play
You didnt have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Mayfrayn
Thats my little gildfish man, hes only six years old
We waited in the blistering cold for you,
For ten hours and you just said, no.
Thats pretty shitty man – youre like his fuckin idol
He wants to be just like you man, he stalks you more than I do
I aint that mad though, I just dont like bein lied to
Remember when we met in Madame Toussauds – you said if Id write you
You would write back – see Im just like you in a way
I never knew my real father neither;
My mom used to always cheat on him and beat him
I can relate to what youre saying in your films
So when I have a shitty day, I drift away and put em on
Cause I dont really got shit else so that shit helps when Im depressed
I even got an icon of your name ona ll the forums
Sometimes I even fuck myself to see how much it squirts
Its like adrenaline, the shame is such a sudden rush for me
See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it
My waxwork’s jealous cause I talk about you 24/7
But he dont know you like I know you OB, no one does
He dont know what it was like for people like us growin up
You gotta call me man, Ill be the biggest fan youll ever lose
Sincerely yours, ’frayn — p.s.
We should be together too
{chorus: sidi}
Dear mister-im-too-good-to-call-or-write-my-fans,
Thisll be the last baked good I ever send your ass
Its been six months and still no word – I dont deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters;
I wrote the addresses on em perfect
So this is my cassette Im sending you, I hope you hear it
Im on me bike right now, Im doing 90 on the freeway
Hey Orli, I drank a sip of vodka, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Peter Simon about Tin Tins coming hes on his way?
About a guy called Tin Tin who was coming and he was on his way
Thats kinda how this is, you coulda been my Tin Tin
Now its too late – Im on a 1000 downers now, Im drowsy
And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped +all+ of your pictures off the wall
I love you Orli, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you cant sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you cant sleep and you scream about it
I hope your conscience eats at you and you cant breathe without me
See Orli; {*screaming*} shut up Orli Im tryin to talk!
Hey Orli, thats my waxwork of you screamin in the trunk
But I didnt slit his throat, I just melted his dick, see I aint like you
Cause if he suffocates hell suffer more, and then hell die too
Well, gotta go, Im almost at the bridge now
Oh shit, I forgot, howm I supposed to send this shit out?
{*car tires squeal*} {*crash*}
.. {*brief silence*} .. {*loud splash*}
{chorus: sidi}
Dear ‘frayn, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said your pregnant now, how far along is you?
Look, Im really flattered you would call your daughter that
And heres an autograph for your goldfish,
I wrote it on the starter cap
Im sorry I didnt see you at the show, I musta missed you
Dont think I did that shit intentionally just to diss you
But whats this shit you said about you like to fuck yourself too?
I say that shit just clownin dogg,
Cmon – how fucked up is you?
You got some issues ‘frayn, I think you need some counseling
To help your ass from bouncing off the walls when you get down some
And whats this shit about us meant to be together?
That type of shitll make me not want us to meet each other
I really think you and your waxwork need each other
Or maybe you just need to treat him better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
Before you hurt yourself, I think that youll be doin just fine
If you relax a little, Im glad I inspire you but ‘frayn
Why are you so mad? try to understand, that I do want you as a fan
I just dont want you to do some crazy shit
I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some bitch was drunk and drove her bike over a bridge
And had her waxwork in the trunk, and he had a melted little dick
And in the car they found a tape, but they didnt say who it was to
Come to think about, her name was.. it was you.. damn
Oh youre so funny Mattoy. Who ever this frayn is, she sounds really scarey. Im glad I dont know her, Id cry myself to sleep wondering if she was under my bed, listening to me breath and if she was going to knock at my door one day, bringing gifts of cake and flowers. Id just die. Good job its only a song though and not real. Love Miranda xxx